I’ve got a million things on my mind right now. Just swirling away in there and I feel like I couldn’t possibly put them all into words even though that’s the point of blogging every day for a whole entire year.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how we portray ourselves to other people. Like, when I first meet people I want them to see me as a certain thing, depending on what the circumstances are. Most of the time I lean toward wanting people to see me as an intellectual, but that train of thought got me into this rut in which I became this really horrible pretentious person and so I tried to stray away from that. I use less big words when first meeting people, I try not to go on tangents about stuff, but really that’s who I am. How long does it take, should it take before I reveal to people that I am overly enthusiastic about stuff. I can go on tangents for hours about music and literature and art and as long as it’s not a one sided conversation, that doesn’t have to be pretentious.
It’s so difficult, getting to that point with someone where you drop the pretence and just be yourselves. Yes, I’m intellectual, but I’m also really childish. I like lyrical and dreary music and I also like Katy Perry. I like Woody Allen and I like chick flicks. I laugh at dirty jokes sometimes, and sometimes I just like to dance for no reason. That’s me. What’s also me; today I called in sick to work and I’m tired and my uterus hurts and so does my head. I didn’t do my hair today and I smell really bad.
I’m so sick of that beginning part. The part where you have to pretend that you’re perfect, or the part where you see everything you wish someone had and forget that they’re real. I see so many people in places where they can just be accepted for who they are, fuck ups and all and I just want that.
Maybe I just need a hug.