Goodbye Is Impossible

I promised an Edinburgh blog and it will come. But this is more important.

I have three days. Three short days left in this country, in this city that I love. Thinking back now to when I made this decision I couldn’t imagine not only how hard it would be to leave, but how hard it would be to leave early. I was intending to write this blog, my goodbye blog, as a look back on all the good memories I’ve had here, confident that I am heading back to Canada having made the right decision. That blog I had in my head doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not that I don’t feel I’ve made a good decision to go back. There are so many things to look forward to and people I want to reconnect with. I want to go back to Canada. The problem is, I just don’t want to leave here.

I made the decision to move to England pretty quickly. It was the right time for me, it was something I’d always wanted to do, and things just seemed to fall into place perfectly. Part of me thought that I was leaving Canada to put on hold all of the “adult things” that I had waiting for me. Finding a career, coming to terms with the fact that while I’m still young, I am getting older, “settling down”. I know now that while that may have been my motivation, it had the opposite effect. I have grown so much just by being here. I feel like more of a whole person, if that makes any sense at all. I’m looking forward to a career in Canada that I had been running away from. I’m anxious to begin life as a “proper adult”.

When I decided to move back I thought that starting my life started with leaving the UK. I have absolutely no way of telling at this moment whether that’s true. I will probably never know. When I return to Canada I will have no way of knowing what would have happened had I chosen to stay. The same way that if I chose to stay I would not have known what would have happened if I decided to go back early. The decision has been made, and so now I must trust myself that I will make the best of it.

What I do know is this. It is incredibly, incredibly hard to leave this place. My heart has been aching for days, weeks. The more people I have to say goodbye to, the bigger the pit in my stomach opens into a chasm. I have gained so many amazing, wonderful people. I have shared in some of the most fantastic experiences of my life. What I do know is that I will be back. I can’t take this year and a half and chalk it up to good people and good experiences and leave it at that. Whether it’s just as many visits as I can manage, I know I will return, and often.

I have two homes now. An ocean apart. And as hard as that is, I am so grateful for it.


About Lananification

I'm a twenty-something Canadian trying to figure out what it means to be an "adult". I've recently moved to England to try to be an adult in a different country. It is just as hard. My Wanderings are travel blogs; sometimes I travel, and lots of times I write about it. My Meanderings are thoughts from this crazy, random head of mine. Songs and Reasons Why happens when I pick a song that means a lot to me, and tell you why, and then let you listen to it. In 2013 I wrote a blog every day for the whole year, minus a couple. Check those out in the BEDAY tag if you want.
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One Response to Goodbye Is Impossible

  1. zbethany says:

    “Leaving is so hard until you leave. Then it’s the easiest god damned thing in the world.I leave, and the leaving is so exhilarating I know I can never go back. But then what? Do I just keep leaving places, and leaving them, and leaving them, tramping a perpetual journey?” ~ John Green

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